[00:00:00] Hello, everybody. Happy Friday. Hope you have been having a great week and not a super freaking wonky week like I have nothing. But on today's [00:00:10] episode, I'm actually going to be sharing with you kind of a Vibe Club sneak peek episode because this episode was recorded for my coaching program back in January.

[00:00:18] And I think it has a really important message that a lot [00:00:20] of people need to hear when you kind of feel like you have two voices going to battle in your head and deciding which You're going to negotiate for. So one thing I wanted to add in real quick before [00:00:30] we get into the episode is I will be closing down enrollment for Vibe Club.

[00:00:33] So if you have been on the fence wanting to join, um, enrollment will be closing May 31st. [00:00:40] So you can go to vibewithmaggie. com if you are ready to sign up.[00:00:50]

[00:00:58] Hello everybody. [00:01:00] I have got my heater on. So hopefully you cannot hear that, but I'm freezing. So I got to keep it on. So I was thinking about [00:01:10] something this morning and I thought I want to share this with everyone in Vibe Club because it's been something that's been helpful for me and something that I think if you don't realize that you're [00:01:20] doing it, it's going to slow you down.

[00:01:23] So that is Negotiating. I want to talk about negotiating against [00:01:30] your goals. So like the process of habit creation, it gets harder and harder the more willing you are to negotiate with yourself. I don't [00:01:40] know what your general thoughts are about negotiation. I think ever since I was little, I was a negotiator, but I don't love being in [00:01:50] negotiations with other people.

[00:01:51] I don't like negotiations at a car dealership. I don't like feeling pressured to buy something. I, I don't like [00:02:00] negotiations. I really don't like negotiations with myself. And uh, Looking back on my process with everything, with all of this, with [00:02:10] losing weight, with healing my relationship with food, I realized that when it was the hardest, I was negotiating with myself at every [00:02:20] single turn.

[00:02:21] And what I see so much with you guys is, uh, frustration that comes, and also the exhaustion that comes, the mental [00:02:30] exhaustion, this feeling of like, I just, I'm so tired. I don't want to think about this. And like, that's what will always show me that there's a lot of mental [00:02:40] exhaustion going on. And what I teach isn't fake.

[00:02:43] hard. Like, it's not hard to understand. And the reason why it's hard to implement is because of what's going [00:02:50] on in our brain. It's because of all the resistance that we have, how a lot of what I teach goes against what most of us have learned most of our life, [00:03:00] and So, there's this kind of internal battle that's creating this frustration and making us really believe like, this is hard, this is exhausting, I don't want [00:03:10] to think about this anymore.

[00:03:11] It's not really the thinking about it that's the problem. It's absolutely the way we think about it that's the problem. [00:03:20] So, you are either negotiating for staying the same or going backwards when you're negotiating against your goals. When you are fighting yourself at [00:03:30] every turn. It's absolutely exhausting.

[00:03:33] It's frustrating. And that's when it feels like a mental battle with yourself. So it sounds kind of like, I want to make a plan, but [00:03:40] I just, I don't know if I'll do it right. I should probably watch a video again. I think I'm still trying to nail down like what my protocol is. I never really follow it anyway.[00:03:50]

[00:03:50] I don't even like planning. I don't even know if I want to do this. Like, do you, do you know what it is? It's like this internal conversation where you're like, I decided at the beginning of this [00:04:00] month, I want to make a plan. That's something I want to start practicing doing. And so it's like, we want that, but then we come in with this full negotiation of, I probably won't do it, right?

[00:04:09] I probably need [00:04:10] more information. It's like, I probably, whatever. And we start negotiating against ourselves. And then we feel like there's this argument in our head, or I really want to stop at enough. I really [00:04:20] want to start practicing listening to my body so I'm not eating past enough. That's what we want.

[00:04:24] But the negotiation comes in and says, but this tastes so good. I don't want to waste it. [00:04:30] Am I even doing this right? What if I'm wrong about what enough is? I mean, I can, I do want to try that. But maybe I'll try it at the [00:04:40] next meal. I probably already ate too much. I'm probably past enough. It doesn't really matter.

[00:04:45] That negotiation will destroy you [00:04:50] and it's optional. So this is where I want to highlight the difference between wanting and deciding. We talked about this a little bit on the last coaching call, but I want to dig a little bit deeper [00:05:00] into it here. includes endless negotiation. When you are sitting in the space of, I really want to heal my relationship with food.

[00:05:08] I really want to lose this [00:05:10] extra weight. I really want to stop emotionally eating. That's amazing. I want you to have those wants. It's staying in the wanting that's the problem though, because [00:05:20] wanting shows that you have a desire for something, but not necessarily a plan of how to execute. Not necessarily a plan of, okay, but how do we get it done?

[00:05:27] I know that I want that, but How are [00:05:30] we going to make sure that it's, it's as good as done? Wanting is going to have you battling yourself. Because [00:05:40] the problem is you're going to have two wants. I want to make a plan, but I've never been a planner. [00:05:50] I want to stop at enough, but this just tastes so good. You have two wants.

[00:05:55] I want to make a plan and I don't really want to become a planner. [00:06:00] Like, I want to make a plan, but I also don't want to. I want to stop it enough, but I also don't want to. Do [00:06:10] you understand what I'm saying? It's like, we have these wants that are like, pretty equal, if not unbalanced, in the point where I do want to stop it enough, but [00:06:20] more, I more so don't.

[00:06:22] I don't really want to feel how I'm feeling. I want to just eat. I don't really want to put this [00:06:30] food back. I just want to eat it. So it's like, I want to stop it enough, but I haven't decided that's what I'm going to do. I'm staying kind of in the wanting phase. [00:06:40] So deciding is when you refuse to negotiate against yourself.

[00:06:46] Deciding is when you have a different conversation. [00:06:50] You, you, you decide and you refuse to negotiate against yourself and you choose that I will only negotiate for myself, which I'll get into in a second. What would it be like [00:07:00] to not entertain the negotiation? I don't know. Like. Maybe like with kids, I've seen this or like, I don't know, there have been times where [00:07:10] maybe there's a telemarketer on the call on the phone or something, something where I'm just like, Nope, not gonna do it.

[00:07:15] Nope, I'm not. This ends here. No, I'm not. It's this [00:07:20] unwillingness to entertain the bullshit. Like, no, we're not going there because do you know why the deeper and deeper and deeper you get into the [00:07:30] negotiation against your goals, the more likely you are to give up. It's the same thing like when you entertain your urges.

[00:07:38] And so you have an urge for [00:07:40] something and you're like, Ooh, that looks good. There's cupcakes on the table. That's just like the trigger. But when you start to say, and I haven't had a cupcake for a really long time and I never let myself have cupcakes and I am trying to have [00:07:50] food freedom and I'm trying to heal my relationship with sugar, that's a negotiation.

[00:07:53] You're negotiating for the cupcake and I remember cupcakes aren't good or bad. I'm just telling you when you have an urge and it's not really [00:08:00] what you want to do. You want to have a cupcake but you want to eat it intentionally. You're not hungry for a cupcake and yet you have this negotiation going on that's negotiating you closer to a specific [00:08:10] decision.

[00:08:10] And so you're going to have a negotiation that can drive you to the decision you don't want to make or drive you to a decision you do want to make. And I just think about the things that are coming like that [00:08:20] come easy to me now. I, I don't negotiate. That does not mean that I don't have to feel crappy.

[00:08:26] I totally do. And I do. Often. [00:08:30] But I don't negotiate against myself. I negotiate for myself. So first ask yourself the question, what would it be like if I was just unwilling to entertain the [00:08:40] negotiation against my goals, against not doing the thing that I said was important? I'm deciding. that I'm going to do.

[00:08:48] I'm not just going to want this [00:08:50] outcome. I'm deciding that it's as good as done. I'm doing it. I'm, you're watching it. I'm in the middle of it right now. Wanting and deciding is very different. And [00:09:00] I believe that wanting includes the endless negotiation and deciding is when you just refuse to negotiate against yourself again and that you will only negotiate for your dreams.[00:09:10]

[00:09:10] So what would it be like to negotiate for your goals, for your dreams? That sounds like I want to make a plan and The more I [00:09:20] practice, the easier it's going to get. I want to get these reps under my belt. Having a plan will give me something to evaluate and to see if it's even working. Learning this [00:09:30] process is important to me.

[00:09:31] I don't just want to learn this process. I have decided I'm doing this. And that's something I want you to check in with real quick. Like, have you made that decision [00:09:40] being here, being a part of Vibe Club? Like have you made the decision or are you sitting in the want? I really want to. I really want [00:09:50] to.

[00:09:51] That's just that's not usually enough juice to get it done. That it's, I, I see it as the difference between like dipping your toe in the water and jumping in. [00:10:00] Wanting keeps you just far enough disconnected from the process to not be able to get momentum. And when you sit in that [00:10:10] want too long without feeling like there's movement or momentum and like moving toward something and progress happening, eventually it's just like, well, I guess I don't want it bad enough.

[00:10:18] I'm not doing it. [00:10:20] Or I guess it's not for me. I've been here for so long and nothing's happening. There's a difference between wanting and deciding. They're both uncomfortable. Wanting [00:10:30] is uncomfortable because it doesn't lead to a ton of action. Deciding is uncomfortable because it leads to uncomfortable action until it becomes more comfortable and more [00:10:40] familiar.

[00:10:42] So it's a different conversation. It's not that I don't want you to negotiate. I want you to stop negotiating against yourself. I want you to stop [00:10:50] negotiating for the current version of you. I, I want you to stop negotiating for what you're willing to tolerate from yourself [00:11:00] versus what you actually want, what's actually important to you.

[00:11:03] Negotiating for the overeating, negotiating for avoiding the work because [00:11:10] I know that's just taking you farther away from what you want. So focusing on how do I negotiate for what I really want because you are going to have [00:11:20] competing wants, you're going to want to make a plan while really not wanting to make a plan.

[00:11:27] You're going to want to only eat when you're hungry [00:11:30] and equally want to eat when you're not hungry. Those things, so it's like, which one's going to win out and what determines which one wins out? [00:11:40] Your thinking, your negotiation, what are you going to bat for? The current version of yourself, your current thinking, your [00:11:50] current experience, your current results or what you want, what you're capable of, your, your goals and your dreams and your desires.

[00:11:58] Which one are you arguing for? Which one are [00:12:00] you negotiating for?

[00:12:04] The things that matter to me, I refuse to negotiate against myself. Only for myself. I tell myself, this is [00:12:10] why it's important. This is why you want to do this. Do not believe that it doesn't matter. Stop, stop buying that. Stop taking that bait. And I'm not, I'm, I'm talking to [00:12:20] you and equally talking to me, like, don't take that bait that it doesn't matter, that it's not a big deal, that it's not going to make a difference, that we can start tomorrow, that we can start at the next meal, that we [00:12:30] can start next week, next month, next year.

[00:12:35] The negotiation is what's exhausting. The [00:12:40] negotiation of want, I want to, but I don't want to. I know why I'm doing this, nevermind, that's not really important. The going back and forth of that, it will exhaust you, absolutely exhaust you. [00:12:50] And I don't want you to be exhausted. I don't want you to be frustrated.

[00:12:52] I don't want this to be any harder than it already is. And remember, it's harder just because of all the baggage we're battling in our [00:13:00] brains. It's not hard to wait until you're hungry to eat. What's hard is not being hungry to eat. [00:13:10] And being really stressed out because your kids are driving you crazy, and you want a break.

[00:13:16] That's what's hard. It's not doing the stuff isn't [00:13:20] hard, it's, it's being a human and having emotions and having circumstances that are challenging and, and wanting to use food as a way to feel better and like that's what's hard, that's what's challenging. [00:13:30] But let's not make it even harder by telling ourselves something that doesn't serve us isn't true, isn't what we want to keep believing and negotiating [00:13:40] for our old way of thinking and being.

[00:13:41] for listening. The old way of thinking and being that has gotten us to this exact spot that we're at. Okay. So I want you to, I [00:13:50] want you to consider that. I want you to consider the negotiation that you are doing in your head. Is it for your goals or is it against your goals? I also want you to check in with [00:14:00] yourself.

[00:14:02] Am I sitting in the want? Or have I made a decision? What would it take for me to decide? I, I [00:14:10] understand that deciding is scary because with deciding comes this willingness and vulnerability to major air quotes, fail, to [00:14:20] let myself down, but it's such a facade to stay in the wanting of something and, and believing that that's not letting yourself down.

[00:14:28] And that that's not [00:14:30] failing in advance by just having the desire to do something without deciding like, no, we're going to get it done. Enough is enough. And that doesn't mean pushing yourself [00:14:40] so hard that you burn out. That doesn't mean doing more than you can handle. It's really committing. Like, I'm not going to give up when things get hard.

[00:14:47] I'm not going to quit when I get frustrated. Frustration [00:14:50] is part of the process. It's my job to notice when I'm frustrated, ask myself, what am I thinking that's creating this frustration? And most of the time, it's going to be your expectations. It's going to be [00:15:00] you thinking it needs to go faster, you thinking you deserve more results because it's been a week, because it's been three weeks.

[00:15:07] That's what's creating that frustration. It's getting really [00:15:10] aware and willing to feel your feelings and feel frustrated and then decide when you're done feeling frustrated and when you're ready to pivot to feeling something else and asking yourself, what do I need [00:15:20] to think? To recommit to my decision to do this.

[00:15:24] I'm doing this. I'm burning the boats. I don't have an escape route here. I'm doing it and I'm [00:15:30] not going to quit until I figure it out. It always comes back into my mind that belief that it takes 10, 000 hours to become like a pro at something, to be just become, just have this [00:15:40] proficiency to be a professional at something.

[00:15:43] And sometimes I just consider like, yeah, I've probably given, you know, like focusing on not [00:15:50] emotionally eating and figuring out what it feels to be a normal eater. probably 10, 000 hours. Honestly. I mean, I need to add it up. I need to see exactly how many, like, days that would [00:16:00] be, but it just puts it into perspective.

[00:16:02] It's like, two weeks, that's not enough. Four weeks, that's not enough. Four months, that's not [00:16:10] enough. But it's that willingness to, you know, focus on what you ultimately want and then deciding it's for you and [00:16:20] deciding that you're going to get it and that you're not going to quit when you get frustrated and that you're going to keep putting one foot in front of the other and refusing [00:16:30] to negotiate against yourself because that negotiation against yourself, It wears you down.

[00:16:36] And when we wear ourselves down, we quit. And we quit so we [00:16:40] can get some relief. But you're not getting relief from the process I teach you. You're getting relief from the thoughts. That's what I see. [00:16:50] The negotiation that you have in your brain, overwhelming you, wearing you down, making you feel terrible.

[00:16:57] quitting so that you can just have some relief from feeling [00:17:00] terrible. It's such a short lived relief because then you're still, you're still you, you're still, you're still in the same position. It's just now you're not having this thinking about [00:17:10] how exhausting a process is versus addressing the exhaustion with the process.

[00:17:16] Why am I exhausting? What am I telling myself? How [00:17:20] am I making this harder? How can I make it easier? Where am I telling myself things that are not true? Where am I negotiating against myself and how can I partner with [00:17:30] myself? How can me and myself negotiate for my dreams and what I ultimately want? I promise you this is such a big hack.

[00:17:39] I [00:17:40] noticed it about the gym when I just do not want to like, I don't want to go and yet I'm in there. Why? Because like I, I don't want to be here and [00:17:50] I absolutely do. Both of those things exist. I absolutely do want to be here. So who's going to win? It's going to, [00:18:00] the path I take that wins is based only on what I negotiate for.

[00:18:06] I can negotiate for my bad mood [00:18:10] or I can negotiate for the best version of myself. And the best version of myself, when she is able, when she has the fuel, when she's got the [00:18:20] energy, she's in the gym in the morning for my mental health so that I'm less irritable throughout the day, so that my nervous system is regulated.[00:18:30]

[00:18:30] so that I set off the day the way I want to. There's no magic there. There's just, there are two paths. And the one I negotiate for is the one I'm, that's going to win. [00:18:40] And you get to choose which path you're negotiating for. Okay? Keep that in mind as we continue with the done dieting habit challenge. And remember that we're not focusing on, [00:18:50] obsessing over the scale.

[00:18:51] We're focusing on habits. We're focusing on the things that are going to create the outcome that you want, which is peace around food, [00:19:00] leaving dieting forever, not obsessing about your weight and the scale and tying any of your value to that, but just focusing on the ways that you can partner [00:19:10] with your body, connect with your body when it comes to eating.

[00:19:14] view food in a different way when it comes to planning, depending on which path you took, and [00:19:20] focusing on the steps that are going to get you there versus the desired outcome that you want. Like that's coming, but it's going to be harder the more you focus on that [00:19:30] versus how do I just for today make a plan from a place of love that gives me the fuel that I need, includes the foods that I love, allows me to wait [00:19:40] until I'm hungry, and being mindful of stopping when I've had enough food and not eating for emotional reasons.

[00:19:47] That's what we're focusing on, okay? I will talk [00:19:50] to you guys soon. Bye, guys. If you've been trying to lose weight but haven't found a way of eating that you can stick to, you've got to join Vibe Club. It's my monthly coaching program where I teach you how to lose weight in a way that [00:20:00] you actually enjoy so you can stop obsessing over food and your weight forever.

[00:20:04] No matter how busy or stressed you are, Even if you feel like now is not the time to lose weight, Vibe Club is for you. All [00:20:10] materials and call recordings are stored on the member website. We even have a members only podcast so you can listen to everything on the go. Go to VibeWithMaggie. com to learn [00:20:20] more.

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